Dear Valerie,
We just want you to know that no matter how much you’ve grown, and how different you look, you’ll always be one of us, and nothing can change that. We love you, and we look forward to seeing you at the family reunion!
Respectfully,
Sasquatch
Dear Valerie,
The size of your vagina is not an accurate reflection of who you truly are. Your actions, and your attitude, are. Based on these things, I’m of the opinion that you’re all right.
Respectfully,
Valerie’s inhumanly wide, gaping, snarling, Kraken-like, science-fiction monster of a vagina, which, if you are reading this, you are currently inside of…
Dear Valerie,
Regarding Mrs. Adams-Langerfeld’s analysis of our “eventual marriage,” I must inform you that I shall avoid such a predicament at all costs.
I believe that engaging in sexual intercourse with you would not be unlike waterboarding my own penis.
Respectfully,
John Strickland
Dear Valerie,
You know how they say, “One bad apple spoils the entire bunch?”
That’s how you make me feel.
Respectfully,
God
Dear Valerie,
Did you ever got that gift I sent you? I haven’t heard from you in a while.
Respectfully,
Vincent Van Gogh
Dear Valerie,
Everything I say seems to make you cry. It’s like I’m a fucking onion. I’m not changing for you, or anyone. Either harden the fuck up, or leave me alone.
Respectfully,
The Novels of Nicholas Sparks
Dear Valerie,
Chill out.
Respectfully,
Charlie Sheen
Dear Valerie,
I hate days like today. No matter how hard I try to fight it, I can’t help but be reminded of your existence. Damn it all.
Respectfully,
Your Mother
Dear Valerie,
There’s only one thing keeping me from walking up to you and chopping you right in the throat.
Respectfully,
Dr. Stephen Hawking
Dear Valerie,
See what happens when you tag me in your Facebook pictures?
Respectfully,
Osama bin Laden
